everyone is single if you try hard enough
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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