went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
