I have demons in me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
