Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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