i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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