I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
