these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
