Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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