Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
