I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
