I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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