Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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