Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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