He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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