he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This is my gift to your gina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
