then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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