The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
