i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
