thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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