it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
