So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
