i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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