I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
