shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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