apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
