the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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