I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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