Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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