the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
