oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
