I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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