On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
