i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
