i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
