so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
