i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
