He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
