I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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