Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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