i think my tv is drunk
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
