i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
