also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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