There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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