So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
