**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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