She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Is it because I queefed?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
