A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
