you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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