if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
