after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
